In the immediate aftermath of the birth control pill there was the idea that sex could now be decontextualized. First of all that it could occur in the absence of permanent relationships, let’s say; and that that would be an OK thing. And that it could also be something that could be done casually for recreation and without guilt.

I don’t think any of those things are true. I don’t think there’s any evidence that they are true. I think they are dangerous delusions, actually.

See… hookup culture is predicated on the idea that you can detach sexuality from everything else. Emotions, let’s say. Responsibility. Consideration even. And that, basically, you could reduce what sexuality is to casual pleasure. And I don’t think you could do that. I don’t think you can reduce sexuality to casual pleasure without reducing the person you are having sex with to nothing but the provider of casual pleasure.

I think whatever you do to someone else you do to yourself, inevitably. Because when you are engaging with someone else you are engaging with a human being, and you are a human being! And so the manner in which you treat another human being expands to encompass your relationship with yourself.

Now, it isn’t obvious to me that the most compelling and meaningful and truthful story about what a person is is a source of casual sexual pleasure. And I think that if you engage in a string of relationships like that, you inevitably come to see people like that. Because how could you not? One of the truths psychologists have uncovered is that you tend to justify what you do. And that’s something to be very wary of, because perhaps you have your ethical qualms about doing something… but you do it two or three dozen times and you can be absolutely certain that as a consequence of doing it that many number of times, you will now formulate a story that you tell yourself and other people, and you will also come to believe about why doing that is not only OK, but even good.

So let’s say you have fifteen casual sexual partners… I don’t know if there’s anything deeper or more profound that you could do with someone else than engaging in sex with them. And so if you are willing to take that most profound act and transform it into that most dispensable entity, then that’s what you’ve done to other people and to yourself. And I don’t think that’s a good idea.

It’s much better for people to commit to something. It deepens their life and enriches their life. It means you’ve taken on the responsibility of another person as if they’re as much a part of you as yourself. And that’s actually good for you. It’s hard, but it’s good for you.

Adaptation from “Walking With God: Noah and the Flood”, a podcast by Jordan B. Peterson